birdland

Playlist:

1. The Perms - Lorazapan
2. Snatches of Pink - Will I Feed Will It Feed
3. Patti Smith - Birdland
4. Groovy Food - Absinthe Minded
5. Rammstein - Benzin
6. Sharp Like Knives - No Skills

Hey hey, we're pre-recorded. So you get the track list early. Happy Birthday John Candy!

Alone together

Hi, it's Emily. And I'm alone today. So alone. So here, unadorned, is the track list, which I made up all by myself.

1. The Maughams (Mooms!) - secret boyfriend
2. roll gypsy roll - bought with bad taste
3. messer chups - satan jeans
4. bad flirt - welcome to the awkward party
5. you say party we say die - midnight snack
6. bellini - fuck the mobile phone

That's all I have time for. See you next week suckers.

Thoughts on this Tuesday, feels like Monday.

Things I'd like to cover tonight.

Comment spam on this blog! Should I be flattered? No. I shouldn't. But I might be anyway.

Job hunting. It is perhaps the most tiresome, depressing, stupid and debasing thing I have ever been involved in. "Oh, but I can type! Please let me scrape gum off the underside of your desk, lady-in-a-suit!" On the upside, a cunning plan may allow me to work half as much for the same pay as I'm currently getting. It's called temp work, and I find it extremely seductive.

Pink things raising money for breast cancer awareness, and why we're all whores for buying them. No! I will not wear another ribbon! No, dammit! And it's not just the ribbon. It's everywhere. I object. I smell a marketing ploy, and it's not exactly sea-breeze fresh.

I'm probably about to do something very embarrassing on my way out the door on my bike, so maybe we'll talk about that too. It never gets old.

And then, obviously, Jonelle will have her usual bevvy of bizarre trivia to bring up. See you at seven!

We're the cream.

Playlist:

1. Harvey Danger - little by little... - Cream and Bastards Rise

Comments: I like it quite alot. I'd like to add my own 'doo-wop' lines to it. Jonelle likes it too.

2. Rasputina - a radical recital - Rats

Comments: It's live, which I always enjoy. There's a Zeppelin cover and a Heart cover on this album, which is awesome. I like it. Girls with cellos.

Update - Sunday, October 16th: Since playing this song, I've heard through the grapevine that I'm a loser because I like Rasputina. I think that's a bit harsh. At SWB, we don't judge, we just play at random and hope for the best. Can you blame us for trying to derive enjoyment out of the result, whatever it is? Besides, I always think that if you're devoting energy to cutting people down because of their poor musical taste (as in "aw man, the Eagles? Please be kidding."), you're clearly bitter because you wish you were a star, or possibly a rock journalist. I know, because I'm the same way. I'm just saying, please, try to restrain yourselves. And by all means, if you have better ideas, pass them along. We'll probably ignore them because we're radio snobs and we're lazy, but you might as well try.
I'm the devil.

3. Dirty Tricks - demerits - vaccination

Comments: This song hurts me a bit. It's like strong burning coffee that gives me an ulcer. I'm not in love with it, in other words.

Topics covered: Amateur surgery - did you know that alcohol thins the blood? It's true!
Planned halloween costumes include Antonio and Melanie. I'm getting the flu shot, and Jonelle isn't. When I get hit by a bus, it'll all come out even.

Jonelle the Popmaster

Playlist fer today:

1. Nob Dylan and the Nobsoletes - Positively 12 Stiff Dylans - Tombstone Blues

Comments: dylan covers done loud and low-fi. I actually wrote 'low-fu' there at first, which is my new martial art. The art of low-fu. Jonelle likes this, and so do I. We might revisit this again later. It's just that good.

2. Corduroy Kid - The Sleep Project - Time Lost (we think)

Comments: Jabba the Hutt's digestive system records an album. And here we are in his clicky bowel!

3. Prince Paul - Instrumental - My Friend the Popmaster

Comments: Wow, the swearing! I thought this was instrumental! Anyway, I kind of love it. Jonelle is the popmaster. There's some culturally insensitive stuff in here. Mockery of the Italian people. But it's frickin' funny. Oh crap, stop swearing.

4. Snatches of Pink - Stag - Tooth

Comments: STP with more leather vests. Hmm. I'm not a fan. I'd recommend not buying this album. What do you think Jonelle? She's thinking the same thing. It's like we're musical twins.

Topics covered: Thanksgiving is lonely for vegetarians. And Jonelle doesn't even like squash! Television that sucks your life away: I watched a live police chase today. And sometimes I watch Entertainment Tonight. They have alot in common. We do some community announcements. We talk about the part of 'Reality Bites' where Janeane Garrrroflolo says 'pflag'. It's the only part of the movie I like.

10 in the swear jar, Mr. Waits.

Track list:

1. 10 in the swear jar - accordion solo! - fort awesome drunk tank/helsabot

Comments: 'fort awesome' is basically spoken word, so, you know, bonus! Helsabot is apparently his name. He's an alcoholic robot, we think. And he wants to know if your pants ever just fall off. I love this. Everyone, I want this album for Christmas. My elderly relatives will LOVE it.

2. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - howl - sympathetic noose

Comments: I enjoy that this band is a big lie. They're a bit sad bastard, with an old-school sounding lazer-rock name. Jonelle says the song is okay. I agree. I think they might get kicked out of the club if they keep this whining up. Jonelle says she'd listen to this in a sunny apartment on a Sunday afternoon. That'll never happen.

3. Giant Drag - hearts and unicorns - high friends in places

Comments: All too real. Hmm. Music to stomp bugs to.

4. Bruce Cockburn - big circumstance - where the death squad lives

Comments: it's a classic, so it would be wrong to criticize. I've got to remember that this isn't a new album though, because that's just embarrassing. Jonelle loves it and is floored. I like the funky guitar.

5. Transparencies - transparencies - I'll quit if I want to

Comments: Ha, they're a Christian band. They're no Danielson Family... but then who is, really. Actually, it's not bad. You just have to try and ignore the no swearing, and focus on how it sounds recorded in a garage. These boys could teach Jessica Simpson a thing or two about how to claim to be religious and not flash your boobs drunkenly. They have the knack.

Important topics covered:
we're trapped in a supply closet, while everyone else is having free food at the AGM. Oh well, it's overrated. We're so alone, and we invite you to visit us. You don't. Coward. A debate on the sexiness of the female form vs. the male form that isn't really a debate. Men are funny when they're naked, not sexy. No, just funny. In fact, put a naked guy in a movie and you don't even need to tell jokes. The new proliferation of yoga makes for unfair standards of flexibility. No, I can't touch my forehead to my knee, jackass. Being a rabid Bruce Cockburn fan is difficult. But the name is undeniably funny.

the snug jockeys

The Tracks:

1. Veronica Lipgloss & the Evil Eyes - bleed to the beat - The Witch's Dagger

Comments: um, yeah. Jonelle's ears are bleeding, does that count? She hates this band so much, she's covered their album with little hearts. Man, this sux, capital 'x'. My pick is coming up next though, so I'm trying to console myself with that.

2. The Magic Numbers - long legs - The Magic Numbers

Comments: This band is deliciously chubby. Jonelle feels uncomfortable with that comment - she's not saying anything, but I can tell by the squirming in the seat. I love this band - their music, their outfits, their long flowing hair. They consist of two brother and sister teams - wicked. They're like the white stripes times two, only happy and with more tambourine.

3. John Wilkes Booze - gonna die tonight - telescopic eyes glance the future sick

Comments: And... it's over.

4. Gravy Train - pussy sauce - Are you wigglin?

Comments: Aint nobody doesn't like this band. They're really dirty though. We were going to play 'hump lites', but due to an unscheduled itchy trigger finger, we're playing this one instead. So now guess who's going to have to announce the title of the track on the air. That's right, it's Jonelle. Because I am a prude.

5. The Sub Humans - life sure can suck - demo/ep

Comments: Grr. I love these three chord wonders. We'll see you next week peoples.

Topics covered: Growing Up Gotti - the chinchilla coat episode. Embarrassing events of the past week. The perils of reading - don't even ask. We've seen some weird movies this week. Listening to people doin' it in the apartment next door - it's a sport, like fishing. Our new band name: the snug jockeys. And we will dress as jockeys. Brilliant!

pop violence

The Tracks:

1. Vailhalen - pop violence - We Fill the Cracks

comments: Like the bells. Other than that, meh. It's not 'tweaking Jonelle's nipples'. At least it's short.

2. The Belushis - Rich in Broken Glass - Ether Bunny

comments: Jonelle likes it two minutes in when the guy drunkenly scowls 'yeah!'. I'd have to agree. It's a bit sex pistols, which hey, it's been done, by, um, the sex pistols. But they've broken up, and that one guy is dead, so who's gonna complain. There's also a discussion here about what kind of ether they're talking about - we're going to have to agree to disagree.

3. Sunset Rubdown - Snake's got a leg - I'll believe in anything, you'll believe in anything

comments: It's like painful techno. Does it have a beat? Who knows. Wow, this man is wailing girlishly. I like it because it's awful. Jonelle just thinks it's awful. Next!

4. The Spicoli's - blood sweat and beers - blood sweat and beers

comments: Wow, spandex rock. Aside from the bad grammar... these guys suck. Just for the record, they're like an old, low budget Blink-182. I'm not a fan of Blink-182. Hey, have you seen the new Backstreet Boys video? This is the song that should go with that video.

5. Mon Electric Bijou - Bullets in the Penguin - Raging Queen

comments: Can you feel the rage? Neither can I. This is one sad bastardesque queen. Jonelle's not watching me so I'm going to say that I already love this track. In fact, if you're a fan of the misery rock with the sad, sad, badly-singing men, give this sucker a try. Could be a good wedding song if you're trying to get everyone to go home early.

Today's topics:
Emily crashes her bike again, pill swallowing for fun and profit, some community announcements, problems with communication, sleeping in cars, the Backstreet Boys, addicted to bad television.

Critically Ashamed

1. You Say Party, We Say Die - hit the floor - cold hands! hot bodies!

Comments: um, chanting. And man is this short. Their CD release party is happening Sept. 10th at Pat's Pub, 9pm. Alternately, on Sept. 11th at Mesa Luna at 7:30pm, granny.

2. Orange - welcome to the world of Orange - ghetto-blasta

Comments: I like this, and so does Jonelle. She says "sounds like Green Day... and I like Green Day." This is my pick. They just wanna scream and let it all out. Well who doesn't.

3. Escape Goats - Critically Ashamed - Hit me gently, in the head

Comments: This is a slo-mo ballad. Or, Jonelle says, a coma-ballad. Whatever, I love it because it's so appropriate, not to mention 5 minutes long. It also has some swearing in it, which is surprising, because this guy sounds so mild-mannered. Jonelle compares it to Marcy Playground, and she has kind of a snarky tone, so that can't be good. I kinda like it though - "who let the dogs out, I need the dogs in, how could you do this to me, someone chain them up again." Lyrical gold. Also, there are four stars in quotation marks on the album cover, which is nicely self-aggrandizing.

4. Neon Blonde - Neon Blonde - Headlines

Comments: We like the beat. This is kinda cool - like disjointed techno with an angry girl providing the vocals.

Topics discussed today:
Reality TV, judges, Bob Barker, Jonelle smokes badly, I ride my bike into a garage door and get clubbed in the head, I watch Malibu's Most Wanted; sadly, Jonelle's already seen that one. We're both lesser human beings for it.

Playlist

Tonight's songs:

1. Crystal Pistol - Crystal Pistol - Watch You Bleed

Comments: Jonelle likes it. I think it's ass. But Jonelle also rightly adds, "for what we usually play, it's not that bad." There was some swearing, bad metal goths! But they look like five Jack Whites, which is okay. One of them is wearing a cowboy hat. Jonelle wishes it was more country. I concur. Some cowbell would help.

2. Tegan and Sara - 5 songs from the phoenix - I Bet it Stung

Comments: Sounds as good as the rest of their stuff. They look so frickin' the same, which is a major selling point. Simultaneously, probably not something Jonelle would buy. And she's wealthier than me, so you know I'm not shelling out. Jonelle also says it's like fluffy Ani DiFranco, but that they write their own songs, so clearly they have cred. I think here they mean 'stung' not so much in the insect sense, but in the 'rip out your heart and spit on it' sense. Jonelle had to explain it to me though.

3. Subcity Dwellers - Out on the Streets - Tension

Comments: Ska-nkalicious. The great thing about ska is that it puts people who should never be singers to work as... singers. Unemployment rate down, check! If only that could be repeated in other industries, think of the chaos. Jonelle says ska is the easiest thing to dance to - move alot, move a little, it's all good.

4. Doomeastvan - You Will Die - You Will Die

Comments: Satan, good? Interesting theological question. I'd hazard no. I believe this is audio art. Jonelle was enchanted by the "joy down in my heart part", but she's not so attached to the highway noise part of the track. After that there's more speed metal, with growly-voice, ominous proclamations of doom. Poor East Van. Jonelle says this is much like the Cannibal Corpse show she went to, only that was three hours, not nine minutes. Her favourite part of the concert? "This one's for the ladies. F***ed, by a knife!" Aww. How sweet. Great Caesar's molasses, another three freaking minutes of this? Well, whatever it takes to please the audience.

5. Manikin - Still - Monkey Blood

Comments: Guitaaaar! I like it. There's nothing bad about men who totally can't sing. I also like the call-and-answer style of it. Sounds like they're playing in a culvert. It's very hip. Very now.

Topic list, to be explained later:
Clue: the movie; it rules.
Country music, artists love it when they age.
The wasp attack.
Pink massagers/leotards/rub-downs.
East Van is awesome. Shut up; it is.
Embarrassing crushes. Keanu, sex machine. That's all I have to say about that.

When no one's listening I have so much to say.

Grrar.

It's been ages since I wrote anything here, and with good reason. My life is an unchanging sea of 'working for the man'. Which is not nice, but tolerable. As long as I get my rent paid on Friday.

Anyway, since this internet loser palace is woefully unused, it's time to, um, un-unuse it. So I'm going to start using it for Singing with Barbra re-caps.

Next week.

And I'll tell you why. Because this week, I have no freaking clue what we talked about. None. Off the air, Jonelle told me that she'd seen Catwoman, and that it did indeed suck as much as the critics promised. Damn, I hate it when they're right. We played some songs, including a track by The Feminists. I don't even remember if it was good, but I don't think it was bad, either. We did some community announcements. Something about the humane society. Oh, there were dogs in the studio - Brandy and Lou(cifer) - the latter holds the title "Barbra .5". He's small. That was pretty distracting. Most of the show I was spitting out floaty hair. So it was "hi, pfeh, this is CJSF, pfbbt, you're pah, listening..." That's some beautiful broadcasting right there.

The one thing I'll say about university radio is that despite the militant attempts to impose professionalism, the constant jack-booting around the station, even the stink eye through short, $4 haircut - we suck and there's nothing anyone can do about it. As much as they fight us, they fight in vain. To some, we're like a tiny, persistent rash. But we'll never be painfully humourless jerks, and that we'll promise you faithfully. It's our credo. Everybody needs one. I need several, but that's beside the point.

But enough of the political claptrap. I'm going to go back to eating my ice cream straight out of the tub, and I'll assault you some more next week. Tuesday, 7-8pm p.s.t., www.cjsf.ca.

Dear Reader's Digest quotable quotes...

I found this one last night:

Marlon Brando says...
"I'm not fat by nature. I got fat mostly because I loved
brownies, ice cream and everything else that makes you fat.
One reason for this, I suspect, is that when I was a kid,
I'd come home to find my mother gone and dishes in the
sink. I'd feel low and open the icebox, and there would be
an apple pie, along with some cheese, and the pie would
say: 'C'mon, Marlon, take me out. I'm freezing in here. Be
a pal and take me out, and bring out Charlie Cheese too.'
Then I'd feel less lonely."

This one is from Canoe, this morning.

Shirley Manson says...
"[Butch Vig] is Mr. Consistent, he's always the same, neither up nor down; he's a real sweetheart. But the three of us are up and down like a bride's nightie."

Oh internets, I heart u.

Mitchell Hedberg

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..."

The other person in the world who thinks that way about words is dead. That's a sad thing.

just before I forget...

I always forget that the answer is 42. So in case I forget again, here it is, forever enshrined.

The meaning of life is 42.

Now I can make smartass remarks in relative comfort. Ahhh.

The coolest phrase in the world.

Recently I was cataloguing my DVD collection, and I wrote the sentence that I've since realised is probably the coolest one in the world. Or at least, it's as cool as a sentence can be. Here it is:

"Steve McQueen evades Nazis on a motorbike."

It's possible I'm just not that imaginative. But if it gets cooler than that, maybe I don't want to know about it. The results might just blow my mind.